Quickie jokes

Quickie #1
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #5
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Tetanus Shot

Tetanus Shot
Item tagged with joke, tetnus, old age

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch thenstarts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out ofher rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm gettinga tetanus shot.'

Bro poo

My bro tells a story of how he got ratarsed one night,had the obligatory ruby and went home. He was woken from his oblivious drunken stuper by his irate girlfriend. in his sleep he'd shat the bed and rolled it all over the sheets, the covers, and her, it took a hell of a lot of grovelling to get out of that one. i beleive he slept in the spare room for a couple of weeks. They split up shortly after.